Acres and acres of lawn - nowhere to blend in
Recently, the hallowed sanctuary of our fair town was invaded, quite boldly, by one Ursus americanus – an American Black Bear. In the early morning hours, amongst the picket fences and play equipment, frolicked a living, breathing reminder that against all rumors to the contrary, wildlife still exists in our little part of the world, however extensive the landscaping.
My first reaction to these pictures was one of marked surprise. I was under the impression that registration procedures for modern wildlife required them to sign a standard legal document clearly stipulating the parameters of their habitats. Obviously, this bear had not read the paper carefully – a common mistake amongst quadrupeds. Incongruous in this place of mown lawns and the occasional bird feeder, he had no idea that he had wandered into the territory of Homo sapiens suburbanensis. Had he taken the time to read the fine print he might have been better prepared for an encounter with a species that takes the phrase, “a place for everything and everything in its place” very seriously. I have included passages from this contract here in order that you may print it out and carefully distribute to rogue wildlife confused about their place in our well ordered and civilized society. Document follows:
Read the fine print
Homo sapiens suburbanensis views the world in terms of “sections” or “cubicles”, and consequently will only share its territory in planned areas of “wildlife conservation.” If you fall under the category of “wildlife” (i.e. you have fur, four legs, and/or an exceptionally pungent body odor), it is politely suggested that you firmly remain in such areas, paying close attention to marked trails and paths designed for the adventurous suburbanensis to observe you in your semi-natural environment. Should an encounter occur, accepted behavior may include, but is not limited to, adorable head tilts, grazing, contented grunting or eating berries.
If any part of your body contains claws or teeth which could be described as “long” or “razor sharp”, or your standing posture exceeds acceptable standards as highlighted in Section 2.34 of the 2010 League of Academic Mammalian Encounters (L.A.M.E.) Act, meetings should be so brief as to merely provide suburbanensis with photographic documentation for their Facebook accounts. However, if any part of you has been termed “cute” in the past by another species besides your own, and Section 2.34 does not apply, an accepted encounter range of six feet is recommended within conservation areas only.
During this encounter period, or “interspecies dialogue”, you are strongly encouraged to appear clean and to avoid digestive evacuation processes that could give suburbanensisSuburbanensis is a highly microbe-phobic species and even after a non-contact dialogue period may wipe its hands with a gel-like fluid, the fumes of which may inflame your nose and throat. Do not display irritation, as suburbanensis is extremely sensitive to confrontation and often in a “stressed-out” state of nervous exhaustion, having come into the conservation area to “commune” with semi-natural nature. Should suburbanensis show signs of agitation and/or panic (i.e. involuntary clutching of its iPhone or removal of iPod ear buds), it is important to remain calm and remember the following facts on this species:
In almost all cases, Homo sapiens suburbanensis cannot run faster than you, and is easily frightened by eye contact or strong odors not masked by a Yankee candle. They understand this instinctively and a discreet squirt from your scent glands will often dissuade them from seeking further commune with you.
Maybe he's looking for a Pampered Chef party.
Homo sapiens suburbanensis has been taught at an early age that all creatures not of their own subspecies are covered with a heretofore unspecified substance loosely termed “germs”. They will avoid any physical contact for this reason – particularly those between 30 and 45 years of age.
Homo sapiens suburbanensis spends much of its life feeling in control of natural environments. Should an encounter with you convince it that this precarious universal order is threatened; it is very possible that conservation areas may be closed for an unspecified amount of time while the situation is evaluated by local government. It is by no means certain that areas will be reinstated, so wildlife is encouraged to avoid these unfortunate encounters at all costs.
Creatures termed “wildlife” and particularly those covered by Section 2.34 (see above) are on no account to be heard or observed in areas of suburbanensis residential development. As conservation areas are often attached to, or in some cases part of, residential development in order to provide precisely measured doses of tranquility for the average suburbanensis; it can sometimes be difficult to recognize the distinction between acceptable and non-acceptable areas. Pay close attention to the length of grass in open areas on the verges of woodland. A sharply mown edge of unnaturally green turf usually conveys subtle species-specific messages of “mine” and “yours” to the suburbanensis. Wildlife can be taught to read these signals without much difficulty. Furthermore, residential areas are often populated by small, highly vocal canines, and the sound of their incessant yapping should alert you to the fact that you are entering a prohibited area.
Should you be found wandering in these areas without the required residential visas (such as special “petting zoo” access for suburbanensis birthday events), there is a high probability that you may be confronted with such terms as “tranquilizer dart”, “re-homing”, or “humane euthanization”. These threats are very real; the suburbanensis is extremely territorial and will suffer no challenge to its perceived domination of the surrounding environment. Wildlife is strongly encouraged to read and understand Sections 1 – 8 of the 2010 L.A.M.E. Act for more information.
What could be clearer than that?
